MEET 5 PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES
Yes, Bigly Covfefe put in the time so you wouldn’t have to and sat through five hours of conversation with five Democrats who hope to become president the other night as the Cable News Network brought them out, one by one, to face the questions of the youth of America, or at least that portion of it who have made it to Harvard University.
Don’t worry about my health or losing sleep. Despite the affair beginning at my supper hour and continuing on past my bedtime, thanks to the miracle of the digital video recorder, I didn’t lose a minute of sleep; in fact, I may have gained a few minutes when Bernie Sanders started in explaining what he meant by democratic socialism. So, herewith, my report cards for all five of them, presented in order of appearance, which I’m guessing was a pyramid with the most popular in the polls getting the middle spot and working downhill to my suppertime and bedtime for the less popular.
ID: Senior Senator from Minnesota
One word: Guarded
Defining issue: Don’t let’s frighten Midwesterners
Wow: Told a roomful of college students that they weren’t getting free college on her watch.
Oops: Came awfully close to reenacting Jeb Bush’s infamous ‘Please applaud’ moment from 2016 when she told the room, “That was when you were supposed to applaud”.
The Covfefe: I don’t get out as much as I used to, but I don’t sense that there are a lot of Democrats who are particularly anxious to hear about the virtues of compromise, moderation, low expectations, and reaching across the aisle.
ID: Senior Senator from Massachusetts
One word: Enthusiastic
Defining issue: Forgiving college debt
Wow: Best tent evangelist I’ve seen in politics since Barack H. Obama.
Oops: Dodged two questions completely, one of which wasn’t even tough.
The Covfefe: She’s pretty well-known, and if one credits the conventional wisdom that polls at this stage mostly measure name recognition, you’d think she’d be doing better in them.
ID: Junior Senator from Vermont
One word: Professorial
Defining issue: Medicare For All
Wow: Homered off a callow youth who confronted him with the throwback accusation that he was soft on Communism. Dick Nixon lives.
Oops: Seemed puzzled by a reasonably funny joke the moderator made. When everybody thinks you’re too old in the first place, don’t act fuddled.
The Covfefe: Surely our nation retains sufficient numeracy to realize that he’d be looking ninety square in the face after two terms.
ID: Junior Senator from California
One word: Discursive
Defining issue: Let’s talk
Wow: Thorough answers which usually had some nexua with what she was actually asked.
Oops: Never seemed to end up anywhere but wanting to ‘have that conversation’. Our incumbent does as much.
The Covfefe: Might eventually have to indicate whether she’s for or against something.
ID: Mayor of South Bend
One word: Pellucid
Defining issue: Mayors know best
Wow: A compelling, bold comparison of the Trump Phenomenon and the Sanders Phenomenon.
Oops: Seemed a little too proud that his website doesn’t have any positions on issues.
The Covfefe: Anxiously awaiting his getting the Vice Presidential nomination so that he and Mike Pence can jaw for two hours about who’s the better Christian—just what American government’s supposed to be about, right?