Day 27
Oh, goody, another play! Of course. After all, I am a playwright. It's only amazing how few of my writings this month are plays. So today I present you with one movement of my full length play, The Feminazi Cycle, which keeps getting longer and longer. I fear I will end up with an epic on my hands!
Anyway, for a background on this play. This play is not intending to "change men's minds" or to "make a difference in people's attitudes". The name Feminazi for my main character is intended to ridicule the idea of women being called such a thing when all they want is to demonstrate that women are people, too. Comparing a woman fighting for her right to not be pawed or mistreated to a murderous regime of genocidal tyrants seems a bit...too much. So it is satire, and instead of being directed at "getting men to like my main character", it is a love song to all the women out there who have been objectified, ignored, talked over, married off against their will (one of the early movements), or otherwise treated like a lesser human than if they had been men. So here, movement 11, the title inspired by a comment made to me about 2 years ago, because I happened to be the only woman in a room of people trying to learn how to market their own writings. Feminazi is...The Woman in the Room.
THE FEMINAZI CYCLE
CAST
FEMINAZI A youngish woman, early to late 30s
WOMAN Similar in age to FEMINAZI
MAN 1 Male, any age
MAN 2 Male, any age
WHITE KNIGHT Male, any age
MOVEMENT 11
FEMINAZI IS THE WOMAN IN THE ROOM
SETTING: A board room, late 1970s, early 1980s. Long table. A coffee pot sits on a smaller table, maybe some donuts. FEMINAZI is seated at the table, reviewing some folders. MAN 1 enters.
MAN 1: Oh, I’m sorry. I must be in the wrong room…I thought…there was a board meeting here?
FEMINAZI: Yes, there is. Come in, you’re not disturbing me. I’m just reviewing a few things before the meeting.
MAN 1: You’re…reviewing…what?...Can you get me some coffee?
FEMINAZI: Coffee’s right over there. It’s ready. There are clean cups on the tray.
MAN 1: Are you telling me to get my own coffee? What the hell’s going on around here?
MAN 2 enters. He sees FEMINAZI, goes to shake her hand.
MAN 2: I see you’ve met.
MAN 1: Met? I don’t think so. We’ve quarreled, but that hardly means we’ve met.
FEMINAZI: I’m Feminazi, the new director of logistics.
MAN 1: You’re kidding, right? Wait, is it April Fool’s? No, that was three months ago…so it’s backwards day…take your girlfriend to work day…no, you can’t have a girlfriend, you have a wife…okay, I give, what the hell is going on here?
MAN 2: If you’ll shut up, I’ll explain…Ms. Feminazi is a new hire under the diversity program Mr. Knight initiated last month…you should have gotten the memo.
MAN 1: I suppose so. I guess I thought it was mostly for show, you know, to appease all those feminists and government regulators. I didn’t think we’d actually have a woman board member in less than a month. What’s next, negroes?
MAN 2: Probably. I’m sure this will blow over after a couple of hires…when the company starts to, you know, feel the pain.
FEMINAZI: Hey, guys, I’m right here, and I can hear everything you say.
MAN 1: Good. Then you realize you are not really wanted. So if you’ll keep your mouth shut in the meetings and not try to run things…and if you want to know the right way to vote, just watch the two of us.
WOMAN enters, carrying papers.
WOMAN: I have those letters you needed, sir.
MAN 1: Great. Now, come on over here with them…yes, just like that…man, I like to watch you walk.
MAN 1 reaches out and gooses WOMAN as soon as she is near enough. She ignores him and places the papers on the table.
WOMAN: Will that be all, sir?
MAN 1: Yes, for now. You can go back to the office and get undressed. Wait for me there.
WOMAN: Mr. Man!...he didn’t mean it, Miss, he just likes to…kid around.
WOMAN beats a hasty exit.
MAN 1: Who’s kidding?
MAN 2: That is one nice piece of ass you’ve got there. My secretary looks like…a German Shepherd.
FEMINAZI: Do you always talk like this?
MAN 2: Just locker room talk. Better get used to it if you insist on being one of the boys.
FEMINAZI: I am not interested in being…one of the boys. And this is not locker room talk. This is actionable sexual harassment.
MAN 2: Ooh, actionable! Little lady knows some big words. Keep it up, you might impress us yet.
MAN 1: You should realize, you’re just here because someone had some stupid idea about women, and Mr. Knight decided it was policy. You are here to look pretty – you’re doing that nicely – keep your mouth shut – you seem to be botching that – and getting us coffee, which so far you have refused to do.
FEMINAZI: I am here to run the Logistics Department. My duties do not include any of the things you just ordered me to do. Here…my job description. I brought it along just in case. Read it.
MAN 1: Window dressing.
MAN 2: You realize you are taking the job away from a man who needs it, don’t you? A man who needs to feed his family is unemployed because you are sitting in that chair. A man much more qualified than you.
FEMINAZI: I am quite qualified. My transcripts are on record in my personnel file. I have ten years of experience working for Dexter, Masters, and Michaels import/export business. I will lay my credentials alongside any of the other applicants, and I trust I will not come up short.
MAN 1: Still, you should think about those poor starving kids. Aren’t women supposed to get all gooey eyed about that?
FEMINAZI: I am thinking about kids…my own children, who are relying on me to support them because they have a father who disappeared whenever the courts came around to collect the child support.
MAN 2: Oh, you’re divorced! Why didn’t you say so?
FEMINAZI: Why does it matter?
MAN 1 and MAN 2 pass a look at each other, somewhere between a leer and a gloat.
MAN 1: It doesn’t really matter…but you know where you can call when you need a man…for…anything.
FEMINAZI: I wouldn’t sit around waiting for the phone to ring.
MAN 2: Look at that, a cute remark…so you want to banter?
FEMINAZI: I do not wish to banter. I wish to be left alone to review my information prior to the meeting.
WHITE KNIGHT enters.
WHITE KNIGHT: Hello, Ms. Feminazi. I’m glad to see you’re getting acquainted.
MAN 1: We’re getting acquainted, all right.
MAN 2: Nicely acquainted.
WHITE KNIGHT: Where is Ms. Woman? She was going to bring me some…oh, here she is.
WOMAN enters, carrying more papers, which she lays on the table in front of WHITE KNIGHT.
WOMAN: Here you are, Mr. Knight.
WHITE KNIGHT: Good, good. Always there just when you’re needed. That’ll be all.
WOMAN starts to exit, but finds herself trapped between MAN 1 and MAN 2, who leer and goose her. They part to let her pass just as MR. KNIGHT looks up from the papers he’s reading.
WHITE KNIGHT: Since we’re all here, the meeting can begin. I want to talk about the distribution system. We’ve had some glitches lately, and things aren’t getting where they are going on time.
FEMINAZI: I’ve been reviewing…
MAN 2: The glitches are the result of poor computer hookups.
FEMINAZI: No, according to records…
MAN 1: The snow in Buffalo didn’t help.
FEMINAZI: I was just checking…
MAN 2: We’ve drawn up a reorganization plan, and are going to make some real shake ups.
FEMINAZI: About that plan, I think….
MAN 1: I would suggest that Logistics be eliminated, and rolled into the Sales and Marketing division.
FEMINAZI: That would be very…
MAN 2: And that would allow us to eliminate one director position, therefore streamlining our operations and reducing costs.
FEMINAZI: It wouldn’t solve…
WHITE KNIGHT: I’m not sure. What I’m worried about is whether it would get the shipments moved on time. That’s been our chief problem. What do you think, Ms. Feminazi?
FEMINAZI: I’ve been reviewing the structure of the department, and…
WHITE KNIGHT: Great, great! It sounds like we’re all on the same page, right? So, Mr. Man, let’s see your organizational chart.
MAN 1: And we’ve made it creative, too. We’ve rearranged the desks into the shape of a light saber on floor two, and the Death Star on floor three. Fourth floor would be the Millennium Falcon.
WHITE KNIGHT: That sounds interesting…but will it improve efficiency?
MAN 2: We’ve calculated the costs against the projected increase in productivity from higher employee morale, and we believe it will double productivity in the first week; triple by the end of the year.
FEMINAZI: I’m sorry, but that’s just bullshit.
MAN 1: What did you say?
FEMINAZI: If you would let me talk…the problem isn’t with the logistics department organization – or the lack of seating in a death star or light saber formation. The problem is that sales and marketing are not getting the orders input into the system in a timely manner.
MAN 1: What? No, of course not. Everything runs smoothly on the Fourth Floor, I can assure you.
WHITE KNIGHT: Do you have any evidence of these serious allegations?
FEMINAZI: Right here. These are the invoices, with the dates clearly marked. This is the computer printout, showing when the order was sent to shipping. And this is the print out from logistics, showing the movement of the goods through the system. The goods are moving well, but the shipments are late because, well, I guess because they’re busy playing with their Star Wars adventure kits on the Fourth Floor.
WHITE KNIGHT: Very interesting…Mr. Man, did you know about this?
MAN 2: No, I did not. Because nothing like that is happening. It’s probably her time of the month, and so she began seeing gremlins.
FEMINAZI: What?
WHITE KNIGHT: None of that…we have women working here now, and the locker room talk will have to cease.
MAN 1: Women always spoil the fun.
MAN 2: How can we be creative if we can’t banter?
WHITE KNIGHT: This is a job, not a locker room. We are not just hanging out with the boys. Ms. Feminazi, do you have any suggestions?
FEMINAZI: I’ve been checking the system to see where the hang up is, and I’ve identified two problem areas where something is getting tangled up. I have drawn up a suggested reorganization that would eliminate a few unnecessary steps, streamline the process, and get the material to the customer on time.
MAN 2: Seriously? You just get here, and you presume to tell us how we should reorganize?
WHITE KNIGHT: Ms. Feminazi does have many years of experience. And might I add, Dexter, Masters, and Michaels has been grabbing most of our dissatisfied customers. Their stuff arrives on time.
MAN 1: This is not tolerable. We will not be treated like children.
MAN 2: I think we should boycott this meeting until grown up proceedings have been reimplemented.
MAN 1: Right with you, bro. Lead on.
MAN 1 and MAN 2 march out of the office.
FEMINAZI: Are they for real?
WHITE KNIGHT: They are very talented employees, Ms. Feminazi. You should really be more careful about how you speak around them. Try to be more…feminine, okay? If they think you’re too abrasive, they’ll never come around to your ideas.
FEMINAZI: Feminine? Like, turning the other cheek when they goose me, like that frightened mouse of a secretary?
WHITE KNIGHT: What do you mean?
FEMINAZI: Every time she was in here, it was like an obstacle course. She can’t say anything, I imagine, because she needs the work. But she doesn’t want them constantly grabbing her. It was obvious on her face.
WHITE KNIGHT: I’ll get to the bottom of this.
WHITE KNIGHT goes to the door and calls for MS. WOMAN. Woman enters.
WHITE KNIGHT: Ms. Woman, I want to ask you something, and I’d like you to answer me honestly.
WOMAN: Yes, sir, of course.
WHITE KNIGHT: Are any of the other men here, the other directors, making unwanted advances at you? Grabbing you without your permission? Making lewd suggestions?
WOMAN: Oh, no, sir, of course not. I like my job here, sir. I…don’t worry, there won’t be any trouble. No trouble at all…
WHITE KNIGHT: That’s good. You can go.
WOMAN exits.
WHITE KNIGHT: So you see? You were imagining it.
FEMINAZI: That’s it? You didn’t see the look on her face? The way her eyes darted away from yours when she answered?
WHITE KNIGHT: I’ll tell you what. We’ll compromise. We’ll have a training session on proper relationships between men and women in the office place. No one need be accused of anything, especially since it’s just your word against theirs. It’ll just be a new policy to go along with our new diversity policy. Things’ll work fine, you’ll see.
FEMINAZI: Right. Of course.
WHITE KNIGHT: Oh, and by the way, I like your reorganizational ideas. Very sound. But...put my name on it when you implement it, all right? That way no one will get angry or frustrated.
FEMINAZI: You mean, no one will know it came from a woman.
WHITE KNIGHT: Of course not. We’re very open to diversity here. It’s just…well, you’re new. People sometimes resent new ideas.
WHITE KNIGHT exits.
FEMINAZI: Yes, people do resent new ideas. Especially when they come from women.
END OF MOVEMENT