Day 30

Almost there...one more day to go. Today I thought I would give you a play about a young woman who solves a problem in a...unique...way. Well, not so unique if you look at how the game is often played.

REDUCTIO AD ABSURDUM
an allegory in one act

CAST:

CHELSEA:                 A lawyer in her late 20s, early 30s
SIMON:                      Her client
EVA:                           Lawyer, late 30s, early 40s
RON:                          Lawyer, male, middle aged
MIKE:                         Lawyer, male, middle aged

SETTING:                  A conference room in a law office.

AT RISE:                   SIMON lounges in one of the chairs, or maybe paces. CHELSEA enters.  

SIMON:  Finally! I’ve been waiting forever.

CHELSEA : I’m sorry, Mr. James, but your appointment was for 2:00. It is now 2:00.

SIMON:  Yeah, well, would you go out and let them know I’m waiting? When am I gonna see an actual lawyer?

CHELSEA: Mr. James, I am Ms. Cameron. I will be representing you in your case.

SIMON: You? But…I want a real lawyer!

CHELSEA: I assure you I am a real lawyer. Completed law school at the top of my class, and passed the bar on the first try.

SIMON:  You won’t do. I want someone…older. Gray hair, a three piece suit, maybe a pipe.  
Someone who looks…important. At these prices, I shouldn’t have to settle for an elementary school teacher.

CHELSEA:  I am the lawyer who is assigned to your case. I will represent you with full rigor, I assure you. Now if you’ll just take a seat?...Mr. James, could you please sit down? We need to discuss your case.

SIMON:  I’m going right out there and demand a proper lawyer.

CHELSEA:  Go ahead. They’ll tell you that the decision has been made, and that I will be your lawyer.

                SIMON exits; we hear him shouting at someone. He reenters.

CHELSEA:  Well?

SIMON: How’d you know what they’d say?

CHELSEA:  Because that’s what they told me when I objected. Look, Mr. James, neither of us got up this morning dying to work with each other, but here we are. I assure you, I will handle your case quite well. Please be seated?...Thank you.

SIMON:  So where do I sign?

CHELSEA:  You’ve already signed. Perhaps a bit too much, if you know what I mean.

SIMON:  I don’t follow.

CHELSEA:  You intend to plead not guilty, is that right?

SIMON: Right. I’m as innocent as a new born babe.

CHELSEA:  You would have made my job a lot easier if you hadn’t signed a statement admitting to stealing that wallet.

SIMON:  Hey, I was drunk when I signed. That can’t be held against me…right?

CHELSEA:  I’ll check on that, see if they did a drunk test on you. But the wallet was found in your possession.

SIMON:  I found it…on the street…right next to the…convenience store. Yes, I remember now. It all comes flooding back.

CHELSEA:  That’s your story?

SIMON:  Yep.

CHELSEA:  If I put you on the stand, that’s what you’ll say?

SIMON:  No one can prove me wrong.

CHELSEA:  There were witnesses.

SIMON:  You’ll discredit them.

CHELSEA:  That’s going to be hard.

SIMON:  Everyone’s got something in their past…trust me.

CHELSEA:  The pastor of the Sacred Heart of Mary church? And his organist?

SIMON:  Aha! You see, right there? What were they doing together? Black, dark secrets…

CHELSEA:  Mr. James, I don’t think you understand the seriousness of the mess you’re in. I can’t just wave a magic wand and make your troubles disappear.

SIMON:  You’re my lawyer, right?...So advise me.

CHELSEA:  My advice would be to plead guilty. You have a clean record. The district attorney is willing to be lenient, but if you take this all the way to court, you’ll have to deal with a jury.

SIMON:  If I plead guilty, it goes on my record, right?

CHELSEA:  Of course. You’ll be sentenced to two years, given probation, and have to do some community service. Plus you’ll have to keep out of trouble and report to the probation officer once a month.

SIMON:  Nope, nope, nope. I’d lose my job.

CHELSEA:  If you insist on going to court, the DA will do his best to get you the maximum sentence. He hates wasting taxpayer money on an open and shut case.

SIMON:  I’m entitled to a defense!

CHELSEA:  Yes, you are. But you’ve already signed…

SIMON:  I can’t go to jail! I can’t even be guilty! This is my last chance…if I lose this job, my wife will leave me. She’ll take the baby. I can’t lose her!

CHELSEA:  According to our records, you have a nice job that pays well. Your wife is making twice what you do. You aren’t hurting. Why did you steal a wallet?

SIMON:  I don’t know. It was just…so pretty. When he took it out to pay, I thought I’d never seen such a gorgeous wallet. Something…something happened. I was drunk, I wasn’t thinking, I just grabbed it and ran.

CHELSEA:  You did more than grab it – you hit him on the head and knocked him down.

SIMON:  Please, you’ve got to help me.

CHELSEA:  Yes, I’ve got to help you. Not because you’re begging me, but because it’s my job. I want you to understand that. I didn’t ask for this case, and I’m not eager to take it before a judge, but it is my job, and I will do it to the absolute utmost.

SIMON:  They gave it to you because you’re the best lawyer here, right?...because you’ve never lost a case? Please tell me you’ve never lost a case.

CHELSEA:  I’ve never lost a case…

SIMON:  Yes!

CHELSEA:  This is the first case I’ve been given. As the newest member of the firm, I have been doing research behind the scenes. They gave me this case because no one here thinks it can be won. No one wants the case, do you understand? Everyone will tell you the same thing…your best bet is to plead guilty.

SIMON:  I can’t plead guilty! I told you! Please, you’ve got to get me off!

CHELSEA:  If you insist on pleading not guilty, I will take your case before a jury. But I’m not promising anything. Now is there anything else?

SIMON:  No…well, maybe one thing…would you please at least consider dying your hair gray at the temples?

CHELSEA:  Good afternoon, Mr. James. I will be in touch.

SIMON exits. CHELSEA stares at the paperwork in front of her. EVA sticks her head in the door.

EVA:  Well?

CHELSEA:  Well, what? He continues to insist on pleading not guilty. I can’t force him to accept a plea bargain.

EVA:  Are you going to be all right?

CHELSEA:  Why are you looking at me like someone just died?

EVA:  Someone just did, my dear. And I think it was you.

CHELSEA:  Why me?

EVA:  Newbie gets the short end of the stick. You’ve got to prove yourself.

CHELSEA:  Yeah. So I was given a case no one could possibly win. What does that prove?

EVA:  That you’re a sucker?...Don’t give me that look, I was just kidding! We’ve all been there…first case, the mess no one else wants, clean up the toilet, that sort of thing.

CHELSEA:  Your first case?

EVA:  Open and shut. I pleaded him guilty, he plea bargained, and came out much better than he should have. He was a scumbag, beat his wife into a bloody mess, but got probation. Yuck case.

CHELSEA:  What if he wouldn’t plea bargain?

EVA:  I would have lost the case. It wasn’t winnable. Too many witnesses, a tearful confession, a history of this sort of thing…no hope.

CHELSEA:  Confession…witnesses…sounds familiar.

EVA:  You want my advice?

CHELSEA:  Please!

EVA:  Leave. Take a trip around the world. Disappear. Losing your first case is…well, I don’t like to use the word suicide, but…it’s suicide.

CHELSEA:  Do they want to get rid of me? Is this a message?

EVA:  No, of course not! I think they figured you could persuade him to change his plea. You know, charm him with your feminine wiles, or something like that.

CHELSEA:  This guy doesn’t respond to my “feminine wiles”, whatever the hell those are. He wants a male lawyer, complete with three piece suit, gray hair, and a pipe.

EVA:  A pipe?

CHELSEA:  That’s what he said…a pipe.

EVA:  He needs to stop watching old Perry Mason reruns. It’s messed up his brain.

CHELSEA:  Can’t you help me? There’s got to be something.

EVA:  He confessed? Why is he pleading not guilty?

CHELSEA:  Says he was drunk.

EVA:  There’s your defense!...No? Witnesses?...Damn shame. I wish I could help, but I don’t know how to do the impossible.

CHELSEA:  Thanks anyway. Say, you want to have a drink later?

EVA:  Sure. Meet you at Bob’s. 6:00?...See you then.

EVA exits. CHELSEA gathers up her papers, slams them in her briefcase, and exits.

Evening, Bob’s Bar. CHELSEA and EVA are nursing drinks at a table for two. Loud music punctuates the conversation, leading to occasional shouting. RAY and MIKE are at the next table, shouting their own conversation. The conversations should overlap. MIKE and RAY never look in the direction of EVA and CHELSEA until indicated.

RAY:  What do you think of the ass on that waitress?

MIKE:  Yum! I could eat dinner off that ass!

EVA:  Would you look at them? Smashed. They’ve been here since noon, I bet.

CHELSEA:  Who are they?

EVA:  Mike Evans and Ray Green. Highest paid lawyers in the city. They work in our firm.

RAY:  Hey, beautiful! Come here and sit in my lap! It’ll help your tip!

CHELSEA:  How come I’ve never seen them?

EVA:  They ignore the likes of us. Once you become top dog, you just growl if a smaller dog gets in your way. I avoid ‘em. You should do the same. Beasts.

CHELSEA:  Do they drink like that often?

EVA:  Hell, I don’t know. I stay out of their way. They’re probably celebrating.

MIKE:  You want to hear how I did it?

RAY:  C’mon, man, you’ve told me thirty times…you’ve told the whole room!

CHELSEA:  What’d they do?

MIKE:  Just let me tell it once again! It’s great!

EVA:  Won an unwinnable case.

CHELSEA:  Really? How?

EVA:  Oh, no, don’t look at them like that. You don’t want to know. And it wouldn’t work for your dude, anyway.

MIKE:  You should have been there!

RAY:  I was.

MIKE:  You should have seen!

RAY:  I did.

MIKE:  I was brilliant! Fucking brilliant!

EVA:  He wasn’t that brilliant, trust me.

MIKE:  The jury never knew what hit ‘em!

EVA:  It’s been done thousands of times…maybe millions.

RAY:  So, tell us again, for the thirty oneth time, how did you do it? Then will you shut up and stop boring everyone?

MIKE:  I swooped in…claws extended…I took that girl apart, piece by piece by piece. There wasn’t anything left of her when I was done.

RAY:  Great, man. Now can we go home? My wife’s waiting for me.

CHELSEA:  What did he do?

MIKE:  You want to know what I did? I’ll tell you what I did! I made him the victim! That pretty little girl, dressed so nice and sweet, sitting there next to her sweet mama, and I convinced them…all of them, get that, even the broads…I convinced the entire jury she was a slut that deserved what she got…not rape, no baby, not rape if they’re asking for it! She led him on…danced with him…let her fingers trail over his arm…then danced off with another boy…what a cockteaser!

RAY:  Brilliant. You just invented blaming the victim. Same tactic I used last week, and did you tell me how brilliant I was? Noooo…you just yawned. It worked for me then, man, it worked for you today, and it will work forever. It was a slam dunk.

CHELSEA:  They did what?

EVA:  Didn’t you know? It’s standard practice. There’s a reason they get all the rape cases. They have no conscience. 

CHELSEA:  I think I’m going to be sick.

EVA:  Let’s get outta here.

CHELSEA and EVA stand. This catches the attention of RAY and MIKE.

MIKE:   Now there’s a hot number.

RAY:  Which one?

MIKE:  The young one. You can have the older.

RAY:  Nah. My wife would kill me.

MIKE:  Ain’t you got no balls, man?...Hey, sweet thing, come on over here, let me buy you a drink.

EVA:  We’re leaving.

MIKE:  The night’s still young! Come celebrate with me.

CHELSEA:  Can we get out of here?

EVA:  Go on. I’ll follow.

CHELSEA:  Are you sure?

EVA:  Trust me.

CHELSEA exits. EVA slithers over to the table, swinging her hips. MIKE hands her a drink.

MIKE:  Just you? Well, I guess you’ll be fine, but if you could persuade your young friend to join us…Hey!

EVA tips her drink up and dumps it in MIKE’S lap, then exits.  RAY laughs; MIKE stands and tips the table over on him. The two men exit, swatting at each other like two school boys in a spat. The bar disappears, to be replaced by a courtroom.

EVA and CHELSEA are standing off to one side, arguing.

EVA:  You can’t! It’s….disgusting.

CHELSEA:  I have to.

EVA:  Is winning your case worth all that to you?

CHELSEA:  It’s not about winning my case…it’s about…you know, making a point.

EVA:  They won’t get it.

CHELSEA:  I have to try.

EVA:  You’ll be selling out…giving your approval.

CHELSEA:  No. I’ll be using their own weapons against them. I’ll be…doing psychology.

EVA:  Honey, you should stick to law. I don’t think psychology is your strong point.

CHELSEA:  Can’t you just trust me?

EVA:  You make it hard.

CHELSEA:  Okay, just hold off judgment…until after. Wait until you see.

EVA:  I’m your friend. You know that. But if you do this stunt…and it doesn’t work…I’ll be the only friend you’ll have. Even more so if it works.

CHELSEA:  Then stick by me…I need your support.

EVA:  I’ll do my best…that’s all I can promise.

CHELSEA:  Thanks. Fingers crossed?...I think I’m ready.

EVA brushes at a piece of lint on CHELSEA’S suit; CHELSEA straightens her skirt and spins for EVA. EVA nods approval. CHELSEA enters the courtroom. Lighting or sound should indicate the passage of time. EVA watches. When we come back to the present, CHELSEA is standing, ready to do her summing up. SIMON is at the defense table.

CHELSEA:  Ladies and gentlemen, I know what you have heard here has been damning. The victim was knocked down, his wallet snatched. Our witnesses are unimpeachable. The defendant signed an affidavit the night of the arrest. Yes, he had been drinking, but he wasn’t drunk, not enough to exclude the confession. It must seem to you like we’re wasting your time, making you come over here and listen to this, when you could be home with your loved ones. I agree. I think it is a total waste of your time. This case should never have been brought to the court at all. The defendant should never have been charged. It’s a trumped up case, and we all know it.

CHELSEA picks up the wallet; she turns it over and over in her hand.

CHELSEA:  I want you to look at that wallet. Look at it closely. It’s a beautiful thing, isn’t it? Genuine leather, beautifully engraved, currency and credit cards just peeking out over the top. It’s a wallet designed to tease. Yes, you heard me, to tease. The victim flashed this wallet, this beautiful wallet just meant to be held, in front of everyone. He clearly wanted it to be seen, to be coveted, perhaps even to be touched. He didn’t keep it hidden in his pocket, where it would be safe, and where it rightly belonged. He pulled it out of his back pocket…

CHELSEA demonstrates every move, with very sensual motions

CHELSEA:  …opened it up right in front of everyone, teasing my client with his tempting…booty. He slid out a single dollar…just one dollar, holding the wallet wide enough to show the hundreds of dollars inside. He tilted it just so…

CHELSEA demonstrates.

CHELSEA:  …allowing credit cards to slide out, scattering on the floor. He held the wallet above his head while he picked up the credit cards…this is not in doubt. The owner of the wallet has admitted it, and the witnesses confirm…he slid the cards back into the wallet, lingering over each card, making sure he got it in just the right spot, while leaving that beautiful piece of leather open for the entire world to see. Why, it’s just human nature to want something so freely offered! If he didn’t want someone to handle his wallet, he wouldn’t have flashed it around so easily. With such nice trim lines, dressed in such flashy leather, it’s a real hot number. Now I ask you, could you have resisted? Should you have resisted? It was clear he was asking for it, just begging for his wallet to be taken. He was a real tease, just playing with people, unwilling to follow through. Now, I’m not trying to excuse my client, merely to put his actions in perspective. Yes, we can be sympathetic with the man who’s lost his wallet, but to blame my client for his action is to deny human nature, to fail to recognize the responsibility we all have to keep our valuables hidden away. In short, ladies and gentlemen, I feel like you have an obligation to recognize the shared responsibility, and return a verdict of not guilty.

Time passes. CHELSEA and EVA hover near the defense table. SIMON is sitting with his head in his hands.

SIMON:  You’re crazy. You’re fucking crazy. I knew I shoulda had a real lawyer.

EVA:  You stop that! I’m getting sick of listening to you. You were stupid, stupid, stupid! You should be grateful anyone took this case to court at all. It’s open and shut. You stole a wallet, you admitted it, and then you have the nerve to plead not guilty and make someone look like a fool trying to defend you. So just shut up!

SIMON:  Just like a broad. Always stickin’ up for other broads. The stupider the behavior, the more broads come out to stick up.

CHELSEA:  Simon, this is it. The case is over. I did what I could with an impossible case. You should thank me. But instead, I think I’ll thank you.

SIMON:  Why? What’d I do?

CHELSEA shows him her smart phone.

CHELSEA:  The video has gone viral.

EVA:  Who taped it?

CHELSEA shrugs.

SIMON:  I don’t get it. What’s the big deal?

EVA:  It’s sort of a….woman thing.

SIMON:  Broads. Who could understand them?

Lights down. When the lights come up, CHELSEA is carrying a box of her desk items. EVA enters.

EVA:  That wasn’t fair. You won an impossible case.

CHELSEA:  Yes, but I…

Strikes a pose. Speaks in a deep, manly voice.

CHELSEA:  …assaulted the dignity of a fine old firm, a firm my grandfather started up from nothing…now we are a laughing stock.

Back to her own voice.

CHELSEA:  Lots of stuff about responsibility and law and order.

EVA:  Where are you going to go?

CHELSEA:  I’ve already been offered a position. It’s in Boston, so I’ll have to move, but they loved the video. They want me on board to prosecute rape cases.

EVA:  Maybe I should have trusted you.

CHELSEA:  That’s all right. I wasn’t so sure about it myself.

EVA:  Don’t be a stranger.

CHELSEA:  I’ll call. Hey, did you hear? They picked up Simon James yesterday for stealing another wallet. He told them he wanted me to defend him.

EVA:  Hey, let’s go grab a drink.

CHELSEA:  In the middle of the day?

EVA:  We’re celebrating! You won an unwinnable case.

CHELSEA and EVA exit.

END OF PLAY