Yesterday I was listening to the radio (I do that often). An old song you may or may not recognize was playing, and the song got me thinking. As a result, I give you the first essay of this year’s Women’s History Month.

BORN TO BE WILD, RAISED TO BE MILD

I never felt like I fit in the world, but I wasn’t sure why. At some point a few years back, maybe a decade or so, I realized why. I came into the world in a family I didn’t fit. I understood that; it was obvious from the beginning. That has shaped me…and twisted me into a strange, unrecognizable form…for my entire life. I still have remnants of training I received as a child, and it seems amazingly capable at times of overriding the far greater intellectual part. The way I was raised didn’t fit the way I felt, so things have always been in conflict in my life.

I realize now that the obedient daughter, considerate wife, and doting mother I grew up to be wasn’t necessarily me. Oh, I can be considerate and doting, sure. I am not the nurturing sort, but if my loved ones need me, I’ll be there for them, even if I don’t know the right words to say. Obedient? That’s the problem. Why did I need to be obedient, even to those that hurt me, scorned me, or pushed me away? Why did I have to take care of people? Why was I brought up to believe that taking care of myself was not okay? At least not until everyone else was taken care of, and trust me, they never were.

But it isn’t just that. I think…if I had been raised in a family that raised me according to my nature, I would not be mild and submissive, which I spent most of my adult live doing as well, and still do in some situations. No, I would have been raised for adventure, for movement, for action. I would not have been raised to stand at stove and sink. Don’t get me wrong, I love cooking. In recent years, I have experimented with some rather “wild” cooking, things I never tried before, dishes I hadn’t heard of until I clipped the recipe out of a magazine. But let’s face it. Cooking and cleaning is not the sum total of my day, or any woman’s.

So, what do I think I would have done if I had the proper environment for me? Sailing a boat across the Atlantic to visit Europe. A small boat, just one or two of us (I really didn’t think I would get married, so my childhood dreams tended to include just me). Skydive. Hang glide. Climb a mountain. Visit every continent. Maybe I would have been a hippie; I was in the right generation for it. Maybe I would have learned to dance, not ballroom dancing, but the fast dances. Maybe I would have been a feminist from early on instead of waiting until I was an adult to become involved.

I know this all just sounds like everybody looking back on their wasted life with regret. But my life wasn’t wasted. It just wasn’t…wild. Free. Do I have regrets? Anyone who reaches my age will almost certainly have at least some. Even Frank Sinatra and Elvis. But I wish to make a broader point here. Why was I brought up to be mild? Because I am female.

It wasn’t until I was in my thirties that I realized the way society had shaped me, the ways in which my family shaped me. Popular culture showed us pictures of women washing dishes, having their nails manicured, vacuuming, worrying about ring around the collar. It showed us boys climbing trees, building tree houses, chasing butterflies, riding motorcycles, and in general having fun. This is what feminists fought against, these messages, the constant drumbeat of stereotypes. This is one of the things we still fight against.

Throughout history, at least as long as I have read (which goes back at least to the ancient Greeks), being “feminine” has been a critical quality for women. Men have been expected to not be “feminine”. Being “feminine” has been enforced on women, partially through training as I described above, and partially through a legal structure that for a long time did not consider women people. A timeline of women’s court cases on sexual discrimination upholds that this was long lasting and significant. For instance, it was not until 1972 that unmarried women had the right to contraception. Prior to 1973, women could be denied credit because they were women.

Many people think it’s rosy and grand today. They see women in every occupation (except president, prime minister, etc in 119 countries – 61% of countries have never had a female leader). Women on television and in the movies might actually be in a job, and it’s a possibility you will never see them in front of a stove or sink. Things look really good, right? Everything is resolved. I hear this a lot. Why feminism? We solved the problems. Except we didn’t. We solved some of the problems.

In spite of the Equal Pay Act, women still make less than men. Thanks to court decisions upholding challenges to the Affordable Care Act, and also under the Religious Freedom Restoration Act, women can be denied access to contraception based on the religious beliefs of the individual charged with dispensing the medicine. Women still suffer from domestic violence in large numbers, in spite of all the campaigns to stop it. There seems to have been no reduction in cases of domestic violence. Women can still be blamed for their rape, and in The United Kingdom, police will confiscate a woman’s phone after she is raped. This is believed necessary for the defense. Evidence is still twisted in rape cases, such that a woman who has had a sexual partner (or more than one) often sees a jury refuse to convict. Rape prosecutions are rare, and convictions even more so. This is not the case with the occurrences of rape, as statistics show one out of three women will experience sexual assault.

In addition, I encounter many people, women and men, who think there is no big deal if a man in the office puts their hands on a woman’s knees or bottom, makes crude suggestive jokes or comments, or a number of other small transgressions. They don’t realize three things: (1) Women go through these things day after day, with multiple men doing these seemingly inoffensive actions. The stress accumulates. (2) These are not inoffensive actions; they have an impact on how women are able to function in the office. (3) Men do not tend to be subjected to these actions. In short, many people seem to agree that it is all right to treat women and men differently in the office, even if it creates a hostile work environment. Most of them would not put it that way; they don’t believe being pawed all the time creates a hostile work environment. But in spite of their perception, they are supporting a world hostile to women.

Now, let’s get back to the title of the post. No doubt some women are born to be mild; their training only reinforces that. But a lot of women are born to be wild, but are raised to be mild. It isn’t seemly for a woman to talk back, to get angry (not matter how reasonable), or to fail to nurture. A woman, even a woman working a high level professional job, is expected to continue doing all the things that have been set aside by society as “women’s work”. As for complaining about their lot, a lot of women do…but then they might be charged with the crime of being a “common scold”, which was still a crime on the books of some states as late as 1972. At the very least, she’ll be seen as a shrew, a harpy, a ball-buster…even the mildest of women can get those titles. It doesn’t even require talking back or complaining. It can happen just because she states her preference on something.

It took me years to let the wild part of my nature out. Now it’s too late for some activities I listed above. My wildness is older now and tempered by a lifetime of mildness. But people who know me well can tell you, it’s still there. And no longer buried deep.