There are a number of things that girls and women are taught about themselves. One of the things I see the most is that they can’t get fat, or they are too fat, or if they get fat no one will love them. Women become obsessed with weight, often at a young age, seeing bulges in flat bellies, never happy with who they are. For some, that can lead to actions that threaten not only the health but the life. Jordan is faced with a dilemma: if she is fat, will anyone dance with her at the big party?

THE WEIGH OF ALL FLESH

Jordan stared at the bewildering array of bottles. She picked one up to read the label, but it was written in science. She didn’t understand. She closed her eyes, grabbed a bottle, and headed to the counter. The girl who checked her out stared at the bottle as if it were a snake. “You’re going to take this?”

“Yes. I need to lose weight.”

“My sister took this. It made her really, really sick. There’s a better one back there. Here, let me show you.” The clerk introduced herself as Sofia and took Jordan back to the array of diet pills, ignoring the glares of the customers still in line. “This one.” She picked up a bright pink bottle. “I used it, and it worked.”

Jordan compared Sofia’s figure to her own. Sofia was so slim she couldn’t imagine she ever needed diet pills. She decided to take her word for it, and left the store with the bottle and the receipt in a small bag. She couldn’t wait to get home and start. The bottle said take one before every meal. Mom said dinner would be in an hour. She took one of the pills and stood in front of her mirror glaring. She ran her hand over her belly; she was sure everyone thought she was pregnant, but she’d never even had a date. No one said anything; her friends were too polite to mention her excess fat.

Mom was concerned when Jordan picked at her dinner. “I made your favorite tonight. What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. I’m just…on a diet. I want to be ready, and I need to lose at least twenty pounds.”

“Twenty pounds?” Dad scowled. “You’re too thin already. Just stop the nonsense and eat.”

“I’m fat”, Jordan insisted,, “If I don’t take off twenty pounds by the time of the party, people will laugh at me. No one will ask me to dance.”

“Yeah.” Blake shoveled food into his face. When his plate was empty, he grabbed Jordan’s. “If she doesn’t want it, I’ll eat it.”

“Yeah what?” Jordan glared at her brother.

“Yeah. Guys don’t wanta dance with fat girls. I wouldn’t dance with a fat girl.” Blake bent his head to his plate and snarfed up his food like a pig. While Mom was busy making him behave, Jordan slipped out and up to her room.

Sleep didn’t come. She seemed unable to settle down, getting up and staring at the window, moving through the rooms with stealth so she didn’t wake anyone else, and finally sitting on the steps looking at the stars. She couldn’t sit for long. She was back in motion, wandering the house like a ghost. She slipped back into bed to get warm, but wasn’t able to stay. She needed to move.

“You look awful.” Blake greeted her at breakfast three days after she started the pills. “You got bags under your eyes. What’s wrong with your hair?”

“I didn’t brush it.” Jordan ignored him, nibbling on the piece of toast Mom put on her plate, pushing aside the eggs. “I’ll just have a little toast.” She checked the mirror before she came to breakfast; the scale said she was losing weight, but her belly was as big as ever. “Gotta go!  Bye, Mom!” She yelled her good-byes as she flew out the door, not wanting anyone to interfere with her exit or ask questions that were intrusive and dopey…just like parents always asked.

Jordan joined her friends, chatting about the party as they shuffled into school, not eager to get to their first class. “History”, Jordan groaned.

“It could be worse.” Melanie tried to brighten her up. “I have Algebra.”

Evelyn did her best to top both of them. “Those are nothing. I have my period.” She ducked into the bathroom, needing to change her tampon before class. “I’ll meet you for lunch!” she called.

The next few days were peculiar. Jordan noticed she was vomiting a lot, even though she wasn’t eating much. She didn’t sleep at night, just wandered the house and yard all night. She was losing weight fast, but didn’t see any change in her bulging belly. Everyone else around her noticed.

“God, you look like a praying mantis!” Devin hollered as she went by the shop classroom on her way to English. “Did your dad lose his job? Can’t your parents afford to feed you anymore?”

Jordan ignored him and headed toward her class. She rounded the corner, expecting to see Evelyn waiting for her, but the hallway was empty. Was she late? She checked her phone, but the numbers blurred. She felt dizzy and rested against the wall for support. This wasn’t the hallway her class was on…she didn’t think she’d ever been down this hallway. Where was she? Where was her class?

The phone call from the school sent Mom hurtling out the driveway, frantic with worry. She texted Dad; he would meet her. They got to the hospital at the same time. Mr. Abernathy and Ms. Collier were waiting. They explained what happened.

“Jordan appears to have gotten into a wrong hallway; she was in custodial when we found her, on the floor, unresponsive. She’s in with the doctor now.”

The doctor told them Jordan was suffering from side effects of weight loss pills. “She is severely underweight, and that isn’t helping. From what I can make out, she hasn’t been sleeping or eating, and she’s been vomiting several times a day. We’re going to have to admit her to do a full work up and feed her intravenously.”

“Where’d she get diet pills?” Dad stared at the detritus that spilled out of Jordan’s purse; it was abandoned and open on the chair. A bright pink bottle fell into the middle of the other things that tended to populate the purses of the popular girls. He picked it up. “Didn’t she read the cautions? She shouldn’t take this without consulting a doctor!”

“She did.” Mom fell into the chair, knocking the few remaining items out of the purse. “I took her. She insisted. The doctor said she was not overweight, she could do to gain about ten pounds. I figured that was the end of it. I guess…she used her allowance.”

Jordan didn’t get to attend the party. She was still in the hospital, recovering from the effects of the diet pills and rapid, serious weight loss in a girl already underweight. She continued to obsess about her bulging stomach, even after the nurses measured it and assured her it was not bulging; in fact, it was tiny. She was transferred to the mental health ward; in spite of all their work, she was not gaining weight, she continued to lose. She would spend the rest of her high school year in treatment for anorexia and depression, in hopes to rid her of her feeling of extreme obesity.

When she returned to school, everyone knew where she’d been. The boys made insanity faces at her; the girls seemed nervous of her. She went to the drug store, wanting to warn Sofia. The lady behind the counter told her Sofia wasn’t with them anymore. “She quit? I thought she loved her job.” Jordan let her surprise show on her face.

“No, dear. She died of starvation. The diet pills she took killed her. They’ve recalled them, and we aren’t selling them anymore.” The woman indicated a sign on the wall; it announced the recall of all forms of that diet pill. “I’m glad. I’d hate to see my daughter taking them.”