Day 21

Sometimes I think I’ve grown up and thrown off all the bad, stereotyped habits I learned, things I was taught I had to do to survive in the world. Then, I find myself right back in the same old patterns. So tonight, a poem.

KICKING THE HABIT

 I had a bad habit;
I wanted to kick the habit,
But it was so ingrained
It stuck with me
No matter what I did.

 I worked and worked
And over a course of many years,
Many tears,
I kicked the habit
But…

 Small traces remain.
It’s too easy to slip
And return to my old
Bad, unhealthy habit.
A habit that hurt me.

 I try not to slip and fall,
But temptation is there.
It’s easier to do the familiar
Than to face the unfamiliar
Without the comfort.

 All my life I followed this habit,
The habit of assuming
Any time a man disagreed
With what I was saying,
I must be wrong.

 Even if I was an expert.
Even if he knew nothing.
Even if he was wrong.
If he disagreed,
I assumed I must be wrong.

 I was taught not to correct a man,
Not to be smarter than a man,
Not to embarrass a man,
To make myself small and nothing
Rather than make a man uncomfortable.

 I worked all my life to kick that habit,
Taught to me by every women,
By every man,
Who raised me,
Who taught me.

 What we learn in childhood
Has lasting ability
To continue to hurt us
Even as we grow, learn,
And become adults.

 I think I’ve kicked the habit.
I think I won’t do that again.
I think I’ll be all right
Next time a man disagrees with me.
I think so, but I know better.