Sexual Market Value
Okay, so Jordan Peterson has me thinking - he has a lot of people thinking. I've been thinking about the implications of the idea of "redistribution of women" and I've been thinking about how strange it is that so many media outlets are giving this perverse man and his perverse ideas a sympathetic hearing. Oh, they may tut tut, but there seems to be the idea that, underneath everything, he really does have something...there is sympathy for the incels (involuntary celibates) who claim they cannot get a date because they are ugly. Never mind that ugly men get dates. Never mind that the pictures many of them post show rather ordinary looking men, not ugly. Never mind that their personality would cause most women to back slowly...or quickly...away during a conversation with them. No, it is the fact that women are shallow, wanting only looks, money, and big...everything.
So Feminazi has decided to ring in on that. This movement from my ever-growing satire, The Feminazi Cycle, is the most recent addition to a play that risks becoming as long as Angels in America (which, even split in two, runs about 2.5 to 3 hours per segment!). I guess the history of women is a big topic, so what the heck. Anyway, for you my dear readers, a new installment of Feminazi, hot off the...keyboard.
FEMINAZI HAS SEXUAL MARKET VALUE
SETTING: A late 21st century office/biology lab. FEMINAZI and WOMAN are hunched over microscopes, staring at something the audience cannot see. It fascinates them. WHITE KNIGHT is working with a Bunsen burner and plating some microbes. None of them notice MAN 2 enter.
MAN 2: Well, well. Someone told me there were women here. I didn’t believe them.
The three working look up.
WHITE KNIGHT: May I help you, Mr. …?
MAN 2: No, you can’t help me. But she can.
MAN 2: I’ve decided to marry.
FEMINAZI: That’s nice. I hope you’ll be very happy.
MAN 2: I’m sure we will…you look like a very nice specimen.
WHITE KNIGHT: Now, wait, just a minute.
MAN 2: Surely you got the memo, man? Women are being redistributed, so every man has one. It’s our latest effort to fight school shootings.
FEMINAZI: You look a bit…old…to do school shootings. So how is it going to help if you marry me?
MAN 2: Oh, well, all men get to pick a wife now, not just the young men. If we are unmarried…it’s just part of the redistribution of wealth and property.
FEMINAZI: Since I am neither wealth nor property, you can go away. I have work to do.
MAN 2: Nothing a woman can do could be so important as getting married and raising a family. Can I see?
FEMINAZI: You may not.
WHITE KNIGHT: If you must know…we are perhaps only days away from isolating the cause of the recent epidemic of Asshole Disease. |
MAN 2: Very cute. What’s she working on?
WOMAN: I am examining these cells for traces of disease…I think I’ve found the cure for sickle cell anemia.
MAN 2: I’m sure that’s very nice…but you look like a high sexual market value specimen, too. Why aren’t you married?
WOMAN: Sexual what what?
WHITE KNIGHT: Sexual Market Value – it’s this stupid rating system the government devised from reading misogynistic websites…
MAN 2: Uh uh uh! Misogynistic is a word that has been banned. Hate speech, you know.
WHITE KNIGHT: Pardon me…websites of disaffected young men who think they are entitled to the services of women.
MAN 2: They’re right…legally, they are now entitled to service. And so am I.
MAN 2 goes to the door and calls out.
MAN 2: We heard right. There are women in here…two of them! I’ve already picked mine!
MAN 1 enters.
MAN 1: Which one’s mine?
MAN 2: That one…the quiet one.
MAN 1: Good. I hate mouthy women.
WOMAN: I think you’ll find me more than what you want, then. I am not going gentle into that good night.
MAN 1: Huh? Don’t go quoting Shakespeare at me…I don’t like it when my woman gets uppity.
WOMAN: That shows what you know.
WOMAN goes back to her microscope.
MAN 1: What’d she mean by that?
MAN 2: That line was from Dylan Thomas, you dope.
MAN 1: Hey! Don’t call me a dope!
MAN 2: Then don’t act like a dope!
MAN 1 and MAN 2 begin a pushing “war” like two kids on a playground.
FEMINAZI: Take that outside! You’ll break something…
WHITE KNIGHT: Hey! You almost…get out…no, don’t touch….shit!
WHITE KNIGHT rescues his plated cultures just before they fall.
FEMINAZI: That does it. I don’t know who let unauthorized people in here, but you’ve got to leave.
MAN 2: I’m not leaving alone.
FEMINAZI: Good. Take him with you.
MAN 2: You. I’m taking you with me.
MAN 1: What’s her official SMV rating?
MAN 2: You know, I never thought to check. Hey, you…yeah, you, the one I like. Let me see your SMV card.
FEMINAZI: My what?
MAN 1: He wants to see the card with your rating. You know, are you a 10? I’ll bet you are.
MAN 2: Nope, she can’t be a 10. She’s too…educated…right? I assume you have to have some sort of degree to work here?
WHITE KNIGHT: Dr. Feminazi has double Ph.D.s in Microbiology and Chemistry.
MAN 1: Oh. Then she’s a 1. Hot body…great looks…but…well, can’t get a husband with those credentials. I’ll stick with her.
WOMAN: Go away. I have double Ph.D.s in Microbiology and Bioengineering.
WHITE KNIGHT: Sorry, guess you’re stuck with me, guys. I only have one Ph.D. – White Knight’s my name, Microbiology’s my game.
MAN 1: Get away from me, you…you…you…faggot!
WHITE KNIGHT: Uh, oh, what did you say earlier about hate speech?
MAN 2: Faggot is on the latest list of government approved words…along with queer, gay, pansy, pouff, buggerer…I could go on.
WHITE KNIGHT: No need. I get the picture.
MAN 2: So, are you coming, or do I have to carry you?
FEMINAZI: I’m also a blue belt…
WHITE KNIGHT: Besides, she’s….she’s…engaged…to me.
MAN 2: To you? A pouff?
WHITE KNIGHT: While I have no problem with homosexuality, I am myself a practicing heterosexual. And I expect to marry Dr. Feminazi…someday.
MAN 1: Practicing, huh? Come back when you get it right.
MAN 2: Come on, Doctor. You’ll soon forget what you know and be a 10 again under my tender loving care.
FEMINAZI: Let go of me, you animal!
MAN 2: Grrr! Yes, I am an animal. That’s why the women love me…you’ll love it, too.
MAN 1: And me…here is my prize…my redistributed property. What’s your name, female?
WOMAN: My name is She Who Bites Asshole Men.
MAN 1: Ooohh, spirit. I like that…in a non-wife, that is. I’ll beat it out of you once we’re married.
WHITE KNIGHT: Let go of those women!
MAN 2: Who’s gonna make us? Some overeducated elite beta male? Think again.
WHITE KNIGHT: We’re three against two…we’ve got you outnumbered.
MAN 1: Them? Women? You’re going to rely on women to help you fight a couple of Real Men?
FEMINAZI strikes a martial arts pose. WOMAN joins her with a can of mace. WHITE KNIGHT puts his fists up in boxing stance.
WHITE KNIGHT: You look like a couple of soft pampered basement boys to me…I’ve fought amateur Welterweight* for several years now…taken down the best of them.
MAN 1: Okay, let’s have a go.
FEMINAZI: Not in here…too much stuff to break.
MAN 2: They just want us to leave so they can lock the door. No way, sister. Here or nowhere.
WHITE KNIGHT: We can’t fight them in here…what should we do?
WOMAN: We’ll leave the room in front of you. Then we can’t lock you out.
WHITE KNIGHT: Brilliant. That’s why she won so many scholarships…no one can think like Dr. Woman.
MAN 1: That wasn’t great thinking…that was…woman thinking.
MAN 2: You got a better idea?
MAN 1: Okay, let’s go.
They all leave the lab area. The fight will be staged to the side, as though outdoors. WOMAN fights with mostly a wrestling style, but not totally…sort of freeform. FEMINAZI uses martial arts techniques. WHITE KNIGHT boxes. MAN 1 and MAN 2 spend most of their time deflecting or avoiding, but get in a few clumsy blows of their own. Finally, WOMAN pins MAN 1 and FEMINAZI floors MAN 2.
WHITE KNIGHT: Had enough?
MAN 1: Uncle!
MAN 2: You are definitely not the wife I want!
MAN 1: Sexual market value – Zero!
MAN 2: Let’s get out of here.
MAN 1 and MAN 2 exit. WHITE KNIGHT, FEMINAZI, and WOMAN return to the lab and resume their work.
FEMINAZI: Thanks, Knight, but, you know, I can’t marry you.
WHITE KNIGHT: I know. Sorry. It was the first thing that came into my head.
WOMAN: You know, we may not always be so lucky. Some day, somewhere, there’s gonna be a man who finds a way to “redistribute” us. We must have a fall back plan.
FEMINAZI: I think…I don’t know. Wedding rings?
WOMAN: They won’t allow us to work here if we’re married.
WHITE KNIGHT: Armor.
FEMINAZI: Can’t work well in armor.
WOMAN: I know. We’ll emigrate!
WHITE KNIGHT: I don’t think France has picked up the “redistribution of women” bug yet.
FEMINAZI: I don’t speak French…I studied German in school.
WOMAN: Germany won’t work. They announced yesterday that they’re on board.
WHITE KNIGHT: France is the only place left.
WOMAN: And they won’t be long, I’m sure. So many people believe that nonsense.
FEMINAZI: They really believe marrying men off will stop the violence? Haven’t they seen the domestic violence statistics?
WHITE KNIGHT: They think it’s because of feminism.
FEMINAZI: That’s so much wrong.
WHITE KNIGHT: I know…but what can we do? The whole world has lost it.
WOMAN: I’ve got it!
WOMAN exits, and comes back with a couple of men’s suits.
WOMAN: We’ll need to cut our hair. **
FEMINAZI: Somehow I don’t think that’s what feminism meant…we could have our rights as long as we dressed like men.
WHITE KNIGHT: It might be the only way.
WOMAN: Your suit, Dr. Femi….excuse me, Mascunazi?
FEMINAZI: My suit.
WOMAN and FEMINAZI begin to don the suits.
END OF MOVEMENT
*weight class should be appropriate to the actual size of the actor
**this line can be removed if the actors already have short hair, or changed appropriately if one of them has short hair.